Let’s bust a myth and bash a stereotype today.
I have one thing to say about single mothering: being single is NOT why mothering is hard.
I have made this point to several people on multiple occasions, and they still respond to my mothering complaints with, ‘of course, it’s so much harder to parent alone.’ So it bears repeating:
Being single is NOT why mothering is hard. (You can read many of my other posts on the topic of why mothering is hard.)
photo: Flickr rkramer62
Because people can’t seem to hear this, whether they are married and parents, single and parents or childless, I conclude that ‘being a single mother is hard’ is a cultural truism. It’s a stereotype that doesn’t adequately describe the experience of being a single mother.
For some women, especially those who were in a partnership when they became mothers, parenting does seem harder when they become single.
But when I lived with the man I loved for the middle 3 years of my daughter’s life, and we functioned, essentially, as a two-parent family, parenting was harder than when I was single. In fact, when he and I split up, my relationship with my child improved dramatically.
You might argue that this was specific to issues with my partner, my child and me. And you might have a point. But here are the ways that single parenting is easier, and I think you’ll agree that they apply to a great many peoples’ parenting situations:
- I make all the decisions, from which school my child attends (or whether I home educate) to whether she can have a snack after dinner.
- This means I don’t have to compromise in ways that might be confusing or worrying for my child (or me or a partner).
- No-one living in my home undermines my decisions. The usefulness of this cannot be overstated.
- There are only two people in our house. A two-person relationship is far simpler than a set of relationships among more than two people. If ‘stuff’ is going on, it’s between her and me. It’s not complicated by how either of us feels about a third party, or how the third party behaves or what he believes, or by factors in my relationship with the third party.
- I have a lot of childfree time. When my daughter is with her father (three days and two nights per week at the moment), I am basically a free and single person. Personally, I choose to use the time to work, socialise and contemplate my navel (crucial time for an introvert). If I were so inclined, I could use the time to date, or volunteer, or join a club. As a single mother, I actually have far more opportunity to be myself, in addition to being a mother, than I would have if I lived with a partner.
That sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?
I will concede a few downsides:
- I make all the decisions. That’s a lot of responsibility, and I don’t always have all the wisdom and perspective and support that I need.
- I have a lot of childfree time, but I have none of that Hallmark-card family time: picture a family of three wandering along a beach at sunset, the child holding both parents’ hands and everyone laughing.
- No one supports us financially.
- When my patience is at breaking point, there’s no one to step into the breach. (However, how often is a partner available at these moments? And I can assure you that these moments, uncomfortable as they are, also provide some of my greatest opportunities for becoming a better mother.)
So next time your single-mother friend explains her reality to you, please don’t assume it’s the singleness that’s hard. It might just be the mothering.
The World According to HeronSister 
Having been:
1) a single mum and
2) a mum in a partnership with a man who is not the father of her child
3) the mum of the man who is the partner of her child (my present situation)
I can say that I have had 3 separate experiences
The hardest one of all was for me number 2 – being with a man who was not the father of my child. He is a lovely man and didn’t do anything fundamentally wrong – he just never got to the place where he loved my child as much as a father would, practically he did loads of stuff, helped me out – it was just never ‘easy’
And at the same time, while I was never undermined in my own home, I was receiving criticism from my ex and therefore felt constantly under pressure.
The second hardest was number 1 – being a single mum – for all the reasons you outline and with the added reasons of my ex-partner’s criticism of my parenting AND having no partner of my own to turn to.
The easiest and most enjoyable path for me is number 3 – being with a partner who is the father of my child. We have similar parenting styles, we both love our child. There are shared responsibilities – we both get loads of time off and away and manage to do this together sometimes too. We don’t undermine each other. and he does step into the breach. It’s not perfect – but for me (and I stress that this is my experience’) – it works well.
For me being a single mother was hard and did make mothering hard – being with someone who shares this with me is what makes mothering, this time round, loads easier. And I loved being a single mum as well – I felt an independence and a closeness to my child that is irreplaceable.
However there are no truisms in all this – everyone’s situation is surely so nuanced and personal.
I’m fascinated how different our lives are, compared to our grandmothers’ lives. How many of them had as many different parenting experiences?!
I completely agree that there are no truisms when it comes to parenting, and everyone’s situation, and response, to their situation, is different.
Thank you for sharing all three of your experiences!
aha I see a massive error in my statement 3!
I am NOT “the mum of the man who is the partner of her child”
I am the partner of the man who is the father of my child! 🙂
I’m a part-time single mum… sort of, not really… I have a de facto who works away and then is home not working… it’s like being a single mum with a sugar daddy when he’s away… anyway, there are lots of things that work well when he’s away and lots of things I like about it… but then I’m ready for him to come home and share the load. Often think it’s the best of both worlds…
I do get your point… mothering in itself is hard, and I think I find it harder than most, or at least have done a lot of the time… but kind of used to it these days… handy that…. I’ll be quite comfy with it when they are all ready to fly the coop, no doubt!
When I was pregnant, a neighbour shared a similar thought: it took her years to accept and settle into being a mother, and by then the child was getting ready to fly the coop!
Agree with all your points, and it’s true for single dads too. Thank goodness I no longer have to go through all those arguments with my (ex) “partner who isn’t my daughter’s mum!
Thank you for sharing your experience as a dad. It really helps me.
Quite envious of you that your child’s father doesn’t want any say in her schooling!
Having just separated from my (abusive) husband, I’m finding things, while still hard, are way easier than when we were together. He certainly undermined my decisions – although I think in healthy relationships this shouldn’t be the case. (I suppose there would be compromise, though, which might feel like not being true to one’s principles.)
Dear Rollercoaster Rider,
If you like rollercoasters, I hope this one is a good one. If you don’t, I hope the highs and lows start to level out and the loops become like the meandering twists of an old, slow river. Thank you for commenting.
Your daughter’s father has her 3 days a week, but wants no say in her schooling or any other decision about her life? I think that’s quite rare, it’s normally one or the other!
I do find it hard because I do not get a break or child free time outside of work but I also find it easier as when not at work we can just decide to drop everything and go out without whinging that partner wants to watch something on TV and there are no arguments over the decisions I make in the best interest of my child.
I’m a single mum and get no support from my childrens father – neither financial or otherwise. Your X has your child on a regular basis which will make being single mum easier. Making decisions etc is only one advantage of being single.
Your life is made easier by childs contact with her father.
Because my daughter sees her father a lot, I have a lot of childfree time. I need this, I’m grateful for it, and I’m very aware that I’m fairly unique among single (and non-single) parents in having this much childfree time. However, it is not without its own costs, which I will not describe because that would mean violating someone else’s privacy, which I try not to do in this blog.
The other thing that makes my life easier is my friendships with people who care deeply for my child. Some of them are empty-nesters, some have not had their own children. Some have a huge role in our lives and some form part of the fabric of our community. When I am ill, or there is some crisis, I call on these people for help, and they come. I cannot express how grateful I am to them. I am also grateful to myself for learning how to ask for help. It is very hard to parent alone, and it shouldn’t be necessary in my opinion.
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Hmmm, as a single mother of some 11 years, I would say that there is a relentlessness to it that does make it hard. For those of us who don’t have the luxury of child free time, because we really are doing it alone, then the burden rarely lifts. When the kids are small, then the sheer physical effort involved in lifting, securing, hand holding, carrying is very tiring indeed.
Yes, the decision making is uncomplicated by the views of another and there is no consultation but the weight of those decisions sit squarely & heavily on the single parent’s shoulders.
Yes, your decision making or parenting is never undermined, but neither is it backed up or supported. Your children never get the chance to see adults resolve conflicts or support each other in the domestic environment. They miss out on seeing negotiations and shared love & respect too. Not saying that all kids of parents who are together always get to see this either – but the children of single parents never do.
If you have more than one child, splitting your time between them can seem very hard. When there is a clash of Christmas concerts, of parties at the weekend, of sports days or any other kind of event – saying no to one of them is painful.
When you are ill there is no one to pick up the reins for a bit. I put off an essential operation for 5 years, so that the children would be old enough to cope on those early post-op days.
All those things I’ve listed are uniquely tough to single parents.
You make a lot of very good points. Single parenting (with or without any support from the children’s father or another family member) IS exhausting, physically, mentally and emotionally. It IS relentless. I would also argue that, depending on the parent, the child, and the circumstances, can be as exhausting and relentless even with a partner in residence. I would like all parents to tell these truths, so that eventually we can improve the social policies that support (or don’t support) parents. And when we tell our truths, maybe it will help us to be kind to each other (see my reply to Becca’s comment).
My heart goes out to you, and I wish for you that some support and nurturing comes your way soon. I honour your strength and persistence.
These are good points (the other comments, too). I rarely think one is easier or harder. How can my life and your life be compared that way? I get my challenging stuff, you get yours. I used to want to live in a separate house from my imaginary husband (this was when I was younger), but knowing who I am now, that wouldn’t work. I was basing that idea on disagreeing so much with my husband (not sure why) that we couldn’t live together. From the outside, many single parents I know seem to have worked it out, but then again, what the heck do I know?
Your comment reminds me of a TEDx talk I watched recently. The speaker said something like, and I’m paraphrasing, “hard is just hard. My hard is not harder than your hard. Your hard is not harder than my hard. Let’s just listen to each other. And be kind.’ Here’s the link: http://www.upworthy.com/a-4-year-old-girl-asked-a-lesbian-if-shes-a-boy-she-responded-the-awesomest-way-possible?c=ufb1
I quite like the idea of living separately from a partner. Not too far away, but not next door either; maybe just around the block. However, life rarely fits itself to our fantasies….
I definitely agree with all of your plus points about single parenting. In fact my favourite was the one-on-one relationship. It’s the main thing I struggle with losing now that I am with someone else (although, for me, being with a man who is not the father of my child is easiest because I really struggle with doing it alone and my ex didn’t bother to see my child. But I think I was incredibly lucky to find someone who is on a similar wavelength to me and that my child was young enough for him to fit into our lives and not be a “replacement” – anyway tangent!)
However – as a now-adult child of divorced parents, and despite the fact I totally agree with everything you have said, I think it helps the child a lot if the parents can have fairly similar rules and discipline styles. I was not bothered by the fact my parents were separated at all, but as a mother I am now realising the impact of having two totally opposite approaches to discipline by my parents.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a million times better than what I imagine it would have been like if they’d stayed together, but it was just big in ways that I didn’t really appreciate until I had a child myself.
Like you, I think it’s helpful if the parents can have similar rules and discipline styles. VERY helpful. I also think that if it isn’t possible, that’s just the way it is. When my child’s father and I disagree, which we do, I used to feel terribly guilty that I wasn’t able to provide that consistency. These days, I’m more aware that it isn’t all my fault; we are not able to provide that consistency. I am very aware that my daughter has a big task in life, trying to integrate her mother’s and her father’s ways of being. I felt heartened today, when a single mother of an adult son told me her son does manage to integrate her way and his father’s ways of being.
Thank you for sharing your various experiences!
As a married parent and also a step-mother, my experience is that parenting together with the father of my children is my favourite. I am “pseudo-single” when he is out of town for work a couple of days a week, and while I often enjoy the time alone, I am always very relieved when he gets back; especially now that the boys are teenagers.
Step-parenting is insanely difficult – I think it would take a highly evolved person to make that work smoothly. The truth is that I just don’t feel the same way about my step-son that I do about my own kids, and I have a feeling that’s just how it is.
Also the step-dynamics complicate things, and I think this is the key to everything: where is the primary allegiance? If the parents’ primary allegiance is to each other, and the children are secondary, everything works. In step-parenting – and I think this is the natural instinct – my husband’s primary allegiance was to his son, and I was secondary. The child immediately knows that he is more powerful than the adult (both of them, really), and I don’t think that is best for the child. And it makes the adult relationship very tricky.
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